Monday, April 20, 2009

change

I've failed, I've done what I never thought I would . I've fallen to the lowest point that I've ever been in my life . I've given up the fight & fallen into a depression. I see no reasons to continue. I'll let life run its course & follow in the footsteps. Its seems my life has changed, things have went on another path, that I was sure I'd never take . But, it has & its something that I have to deal with . I'm ashamed that its happened, but it has & there is no time machine to go back & fix my wrongs from the past .

Instead of dwelling on the past, I need to fix my future . I need to change the present so it'll heal the past. The goals I've set in my life, aren't gettin accomplished. Not only am I letting myself down, I'm letting the people that care about me down also. My mother says that she's never seen me like this before . & to be honest, I've never felt this way before. For once in my life, I honesty don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, I know how, where, & when to do it, I just haven't done it. Why? I couldn't even answer that question . Maybe because I pay to much attention to shit that doesn't matter. Maybe because I just don't want to. Maybe because I ... wait, those are all excuses. Excuses are the things that make me not do the right thing . "Oh, I'll do it next week", - that's one I say every monday . & the next monday & the next monday .

but today, right now - I'm done . No excuses, no "oh, I'll do it next week". I'm praising jesus to give me the strength to make it thru . I seem to only praise him when I need something, or when things aren't going right . I want to be able to praise him for the things that he helps me with. I want to be able to praise & tell him the goood things that have happened . nothing good has happened in a long time . I want a reason to smile, I want a reason to wake up in the morning . I want to be a better person & do better things. I want a better life & to be a better daughter.

so, next week, IS THE week, the week that I will change. & there will be no excuses . I'm sick of the tears & the yelling that have been exchanged from my mother & I. I'm going to change . (:

-LCC*

2 comments:

dmltt05 said...

funny how this is the topic u get no comments on.
but i know how that is, u wonder where is the person u once were is. u probably are not focused enough on ur self. once u do that, u should be good, becuz u'll realize that every thing that u were wastin ur energy won't change.

juliefaison said...

I love you L and I miss seeing your beautiful confident smile. You are sooooo talented and so very smart!

Mrs Faison....