Monday, April 20, 2009


I've failed, I've done what I never thought I would . I've fallen to the lowest point that I've ever been in my life . I've given up the fight & fallen into a depression. I see no reasons to continue. I'll let life run its course & follow in the footsteps. Its seems my life has changed, things have went on another path, that I was sure I'd never take . But, it has & its something that I have to deal with . I'm ashamed that its happened, but it has & there is no time machine to go back & fix my wrongs from the past .

Instead of dwelling on the past, I need to fix my future . I need to change the present so it'll heal the past. The goals I've set in my life, aren't gettin accomplished. Not only am I letting myself down, I'm letting the people that care about me down also. My mother says that she's never seen me like this before . & to be honest, I've never felt this way before. For once in my life, I honesty don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, I know how, where, & when to do it, I just haven't done it. Why? I couldn't even answer that question . Maybe because I pay to much attention to shit that doesn't matter. Maybe because I just don't want to. Maybe because I ... wait, those are all excuses. Excuses are the things that make me not do the right thing . "Oh, I'll do it next week", - that's one I say every monday . & the next monday & the next monday .

but today, right now - I'm done . No excuses, no "oh, I'll do it next week". I'm praising jesus to give me the strength to make it thru . I seem to only praise him when I need something, or when things aren't going right . I want to be able to praise him for the things that he helps me with. I want to be able to praise & tell him the goood things that have happened . nothing good has happened in a long time . I want a reason to smile, I want a reason to wake up in the morning . I want to be a better person & do better things. I want a better life & to be a better daughter.

so, next week, IS THE week, the week that I will change. & there will be no excuses . I'm sick of the tears & the yelling that have been exchanged from my mother & I. I'm going to change . (:


Friday, April 17, 2009


I've recently joined twitter. (:

not really knowing how to use it, i'm still on it. I think i've gotten the point of it. ALOT of people are on twitter even gotdamn Oprah & Diddy.

if you got it - follow what i'm doing every hour of the day.

& also - my blackberry has a messenger application. none of my "close friends" have a blackberry - but thru facebook, i've made some new friends. if you have a blackberry leave me your pin & i'll hit you up.
oh yeah & shout out to my favorite msgn. buddy.
JON (: - thanks for getting me thru the day with your messages.

Thursday, April 16, 2009



a cycle of cause & effect.

"if you do good things, good things witll happen to you - if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you".

let me repeat it.

if YOU do BAD THINGS, BAD THINGS will happen to YOU.

-i PROMISE on EVERYTHING i love ... BAD THINGS will happen to YOU.

people these days, LIE so much... i swear it makes NO SENSE. these btches want to play the roll of being a "BAD BTCH", but if your as BAD as you say you are, don't lie when you do childish shit. but ya know, its all good, because my best friend - KARMA ; will turn around & fuck your shit all up . so no need for me to say shit to YOU... it'll all come back at you BIIIIITCHHH !

Monday, April 13, 2009

LC blackberyy notes .

right now ; I'm in the car on my way back from myrtle beachh ): - I had so much fun . unlike where I'm from - there is sht to do down there . but anyways ... everything with me is iightttttttt . I have a new friend in my life ... we'll call him [CL] (: ... we started talkin a few days ago & we haven't stopped since . he's real funny & I really like talkin to his retarded ass . (: .

anywayssss ...

as I'm in the car - I'm looking thru my bb & I'm finding all these unfinished notes that aren't finished . most of em are about guys or life . & one of em says some real deep sht ;;

"everytime. I kid yu not . everytime, the same sht happens . the sameeeeee sht . LC I love you baby . LC I love you bruh. LC I love you & I'm devoted to you & only you - then got damn 2 days later your cheating . what's the point ? honestly if & wen I'm in a relationship - I REALLY do my best to make the sht work . I don't cheat & don't "talk" to other guys like that . I respect my sigifigant other . until we hit that rock . the relationship killer rock . either the rock is caused from hearing things about your ass , or catching you in a lie, or just a sudden change of boringness in the relationship . & once you hit that rock - oh its a done deal . "

-idntknw why its not finished , or why I won't finish it - but for some reason I'm so over the idea of a "relationship" . until a person comes along & shows me the purpose or a reason - its all pointless . yes, I did cheat on my last bf - but it was simply because he was boring - he wasn't my type , we didn't do the same things - we didn't have personalities that went together . being friends is all we shoulda been .

another thing I didn't finish;

"damn -- I swear cops get on my nervess . like wht is the purposeeeeeee ? ugh - they should be on there grind gettin killerss - but instead they go thru the parks at night .

let me tell the storyy .

so my people & I was chillin in the park - rollin up & sht . we smoked & got lifted --chilled in my girl car til she had to leave then transferred to my niqqa car . while sittin' there it was gettin later & later until it was bout 10:30 & we all just in the car - FCK'd up . so we see a car coming into the park & just see that its another car just coming to chill after hourssssss . soooo we all chillingg - then another car comes down . to our suprise it was a damn cop . so my niqqa being the dumbass that he is - beeps his fckn horn & the BRIGHT ass lights came on . so of course she gets out the car & sht & comes to the car askin wht were doin ? & do we have anything illegal in the car & have we been smoking .... I swear I was nervous as hell cus I didn't knw wht was in his car . so I didn't say sht & let him do all the tlking & communicating - cus wen I'm fcked up - aint no tellin wit the hell imma be talking about . - so he tells her there is nothing illegal in the car [ as the other car that was in the park - drives off fast has hell - she catches the tags & call em in ( hahaha )] & that we hadn't smoked - but a person that was there b4 had a black -- so she returned to her vechical & then three other cops came up there & blocked in the car on the sides & sht & shined there BRIGHT ass lights in the car - so my niqqa asks the police office tht was wlkin up to the car if they could turn the lights off or something & he got the biggest attitude EVER & responded - "sir, your trespassing, & in my personal opinion , the "light" is going to stay on - so the area is well-surrounded". -the fckkkk. ? - by this time I was kinda worried , cus I didn't see the point of all the officers being there . finally the lady from bc said he could go to jail for trespassing - but she let him off with a warning & made us leave the park . "

- bruhhhh, that sht was crazyyyyyy as hell . cops be on some other other type sht . esp. down there a myrtle - they ride bikes on the strip & look directly into mothafckas car ... & wen we were goin to the club - they was arresting niqqas for not being in a straight line . THE FCK? so stupid .

another thing ;

" everything you are - made me everthing I'm not - jumpin from lie to lie : being honest - yu'd never play the part

Thought yu'd be different - tried not to doubt you from the start . But ima smart girl, I knew we'd never make it far.

I let my heart get involved & let the lies over run us.
when I came back on the come up - my dream was over & reality set in. "

damn ,
I dnt even knw what that was about . but that sht real . Lol.

& another one -

"got my head twisted
missing wht we had .
Every conversation
a memory of our past.
looking back at it
its something that
I couldn't live without
Now I go thru life without a doubt
I made the dumbest decision of my life .
Being with you was a privliage that I took
For granted. I didn't realize that wen I had you - now all I got is pictures to remind me ."
- I know who that's about. someone that I shouldn't even be thinkin about - but damn I miss him . & its not the kidd .

& the last one -

"where was I three years ago ? - that's the question that has been lingering in my mind since I left his house .

three years ago - I was playing games with lil niqqas that dnt mean sht to me now... I'm sitting here with shoulda, woulda, couldas - pondering in my mind .

peep this ;; we gon call him T. man , T & I have knwn each other 9 yrs . he's the one person that I still keep in contact with from elementary school.

even tho we was young - he was the first guy that I really liked to be around . from playin on the playground to hanging with each other outside of school . in like 5th grade - I met the family. his mom, father, & sister. they were all so sweet & so friendly .

by 6th grade we were in a relationship - even tho we went to different schools ; we keep in contact & still chilled . I honestly thought I was in love with him [ sht , I didn't even knw wht love was ]. anyways - once he left schools in durham - It was kinda hard to contact him. somehow we broke up & stopped talkin until like 8th grade & the summer b4 9th grade - sht was good ya knw . but neither of us wnted to reflect on the past een tho we knew the feelings were still there .

[fast foward]-- he txt'd me in october of 2oo8 & my heart dropped . I knew the # but wasn't quite sure - so I asked & I was right : it was him . we've been talking everyday since . he just got out of a [[LONG TERM]] relationship (2-3 years) !! the girl he was with - started doing some pretty FCK'd up things . so of course talking & chilling with him brought up all of our old feelings & stuff - but I tried to let'em all go because I dnt wnt to end up with a broken heart - but for some reason ; neither of us can let the feelings go . which is a problem -- I told him that if he wnted to be with me :: then she has to be completly outta the picture & being that they just broke up - its gonna take him a while . I mean , wht am I suppose to do ? wait ? "
- boyyyyy, this sht is crazy . after I wrote this - about 1 month later , we stopped talkin , for some reason . I can't even remember the sht right now . but it was something dumb & now --- we hardly even talk .

see, why waste time on people if they just end up doin somethin to fck sht up in the end . ugh - everything is just [pointless] .

but I knw this sht long as hell , but oh well. if yu love me , yu'll read it all (:

peacee .


Monday, April 6, 2009

[CHEATERS] - revised*

boysss boyssss boysss boysss , boysss I do adoreee .

geesh - guys are crazy . being that I dnt fuck with females - [AT ALL] , I'm mostly with guys . & boy I promise you, I don't even wnt a boyfriend anymore . like, with each one, they all show me different parts of themselves that just makes me so...UGH . lol .

for example , I have a guy friend that has a girlfriend. - boy, she thinks that they are gon be together forever . little does she know - he's a cheater & a liar . & has admitted it to me . which is just sad - because this hoe he wit tryna make the transition to a wifee type .

another guy I knw , is single, but is still madly in love with his ex girlfriendS. he just cnt seem to let them go & see the realness of a female right in front of him .

another guy, has a girlfriend, & just continues to lie about everything . which is just dumb . -because he could just be honest with her, but chooses not to .

another guy, boyy let me tell yu - one day he was chillin with these girls that he picked up & then his girl called & he had to put the girls he picked up in his niqqa car so he can go get his girl & then drop her off & get the girls again . THE FCK?

guys are just on some other sht lately . & yes, I've heard from dude after dude, females do the same sht , which is partly true - but in my opinion - a girl can stop . well I can, if I find the one person that I believe is being faithful to me . [100%] - then I'm done with the game . but it seems like all the guys I chill with, says that one girl fucked them up & they been doing there dirt since . even the couple that I thought would be together for marriage - fell out & another girl was the factor in there relationship . I just see behaviors & man, my man coulda been fckn in the bak of his car . & I mean, I'd never even know it . females are just as bad - but I'm sick of all the games , yu cheat on me , I cheat on yu shit . its dumb . I'm sick of the lies , & the duration of the relationship being on me . I wnt someone that wnts to be with me, just as much as I wnt to be with them . but, from the looks - that sht is all a damn dream ; but aye - its all goody . ima be chiiiillin . (:

signed ;;

Saturday, April 4, 2009

blackberry <3


i finally UPDATED my blackberry.

might not seem like a big deal - but shtt, i wasn't able to snd pics.

& now i can. (:

ummm, yeah.

just a little update of LC's life.



Friday, April 3, 2009

friday (:

so its finally friday.

idntknw why i'm happy - i mean it just another weekend. but for some reason i've been needing a weekend all week.

sometimes i feel like i can't escape from life. like everything that i do ; it all reminds me of life. even if i'm gettin lifted... its still thoughts that dont seem to leave my mind. ; sometimes i wish that i could just leave & come back when i'm ready to face it all. but then again i remember that if i leave - there would be no coming back . not tryna be on no crazy shit - but i wish i could just get in my honda & travel far far FAR away & not even come back - start over . do things differently. be a different person. my mind doesnt stop thinking anymore - everyday it is pacing thru thoughts .

lately - i've been hearing different sht about me. isn't that funny? i'm hearing shit about myself. but i SWEAR people have NO LIFE. for example - my school situation. I DID NOT DROP OUT. its called a TRANSFER. i dont even know why i addressed that issue - but its been erking the hell outta me . thats all i'm going to say about that bullsht.

but on another note - im going to try to enjoy my weekend & not worry about the dumb bullshit.