boyfriend/girlfriend -- #fail.

ugh . i'm so confused.

like what the fuckkk?

i gotta good guy right in front of me , but i feel that we aren't compatible .
[which isn't good]
then i THOUGHT i had someone else in my life, but they ended up to be a lie.
[which isn't good for me either]
& of course i have other niggas in my life, but i just don't want any of them.

i know the solution to my problem is to just be single. but i don't want to just be single. like i want something. but i don't just want SOMETHING. i want something real. lol.

& then i think about on the person that i had a REAL relationship with & how stupid i acted throughout the whole relationship, which was like a dumb bitch. but ya'know i guess it's a live in you learn kinda thing.

on the flip side, i don't even think if i was presented with the opportunity for a relationship i would take advantage of it. its like the term "in a relationship, boyfriend, and girlfriend" have all lost meaning. ALL of the niggas that i know , & i know ALOT of niggas, they've all cheated in some sort of way . people have different meaning's of cheating. but when i say "in some sort of way" - they have cheated physically. being an exchange of kisses , from fucking -- they have cheated. not saying i'm perfect because although i was in a relationship for about nine month's, i've cheated. it's not a good thing & i know i should do unto others, as i'd like done to me, but i did it . so i can't sit here & talk like its the worst thing ever, because i've done it. but i don't want that anymore. this is how i'm looking at it, if i cheat then i'm not happy in my relationship. one reason i'm no longer in it. not being satisfied play's a major part. & honestly , my ex & I had NOTHING in common. i've became a person that likes to have fun, go out, etc. & that's not really him. which becomes a problem on the weekend & stuff. but aye, its a live & you learn experience. & until this weekend, i realized how much cheating & lying effect a relationship. & i realized that this weekend. & i wasn't even in a relationship with the person, it was more of a understanding that i guess he didn't understand. but oh well.

hopefully since my ex & i are taking 6mnths-1yr on break. i guess i'll find my way . prolly my way to realizing that he'd nvr do anything to hurt me & i should be with him. but ya know that if you let something go & it comes back it mean's so much more.

guess we'll see what happens.

--& i'm out .

LC CarteR

epiphany*

LOVE?

fck it - i DON'T love that nigga.

it was all just an epiphany of my imagination.

THANK GOD!

LC blackberyy notes .

right now ; I'm in the car on my way back from myrtle beachh ): - I had so much fun . unlike where I'm from - there is sht to do down there . but anyways ... everything with me is iightttttttt . I have a new friend in my life ... we'll call him [CL] (: ... we started talkin a few days ago & we haven't stopped since . he's real funny & I really like talkin to his retarded ass . (: .

anywayssss ...

as I'm in the car - I'm looking thru my bb & I'm finding all these unfinished notes that aren't finished . most of em are about guys or life . & one of em says some real deep sht ;;

"everytime. I kid yu not . everytime, the same sht happens . the sameeeeee sht . LC I love you baby . LC I love you bruh. LC I love you & I'm devoted to you & only you - then got damn 2 days later your cheating . what's the point ? honestly if & wen I'm in a relationship - I REALLY do my best to make the sht work . I don't cheat & don't "talk" to other guys like that . I respect my sigifigant other . until we hit that rock . the relationship killer rock . either the rock is caused from hearing things about your ass , or catching you in a lie, or just a sudden change of boringness in the relationship . & once you hit that rock - oh its a done deal . "

-idntknw why its not finished , or why I won't finish it - but for some reason I'm so over the idea of a "relationship" . until a person comes along & shows me the purpose or a reason - its all pointless . yes, I did cheat on my last bf - but it was simply because he was boring - he wasn't my type , we didn't do the same things - we didn't have personalities that went together . being friends is all we shoulda been .

another thing I didn't finish;

"damn -- I swear cops get on my nervess . like wht is the purposeeeeeee ? ugh - they should be on there grind gettin killerss - but instead they go thru the parks at night .

let me tell the storyy .

so my people & I was chillin in the park - rollin up & sht . we smoked & got lifted --chilled in my girl car til she had to leave then transferred to my niqqa car . while sittin' there it was gettin later & later until it was bout 10:30 & we all just in the car - FCK'd up . so we see a car coming into the park & just see that its another car just coming to chill after hourssssss . soooo we all chillingg - then another car comes down . to our suprise it was a damn cop . so my niqqa being the dumbass that he is - beeps his fckn horn & the BRIGHT ass lights came on . so of course she gets out the car & sht & comes to the car askin wht were doin ? & do we have anything illegal in the car & have we been smoking .... I swear I was nervous as hell cus I didn't knw wht was in his car . so I didn't say sht & let him do all the tlking & communicating - cus wen I'm fcked up - aint no tellin wit the hell imma be talking about . - so he tells her there is nothing illegal in the car [ as the other car that was in the park - drives off fast has hell - she catches the tags & call em in ( hahaha )] & that we hadn't smoked - but a person that was there b4 had a black -- so she returned to her vechical & then three other cops came up there & blocked in the car on the sides & sht & shined there BRIGHT ass lights in the car - so my niqqa asks the police office tht was wlkin up to the car if they could turn the lights off or something & he got the biggest attitude EVER & responded - "sir, your trespassing, & in my personal opinion , the "light" is going to stay on - so the area is well-surrounded". -the fckkkk. ? - by this time I was kinda worried , cus I didn't see the point of all the officers being there . finally the lady from bc said he could go to jail for trespassing - but she let him off with a warning & made us leave the park . "

- bruhhhh, that sht was crazyyyyyy as hell . cops be on some other other type sht . esp. down there a myrtle - they ride bikes on the strip & look directly into mothafckas car ... & wen we were goin to the club - they was arresting niqqas for not being in a straight line . THE FCK? so stupid .

another thing ;

" everything you are - made me everthing I'm not - jumpin from lie to lie : being honest - yu'd never play the part

Thought yu'd be different - tried not to doubt you from the start . But ima smart girl, I knew we'd never make it far.

I let my heart get involved & let the lies over run us.
when I came back on the come up - my dream was over & reality set in. "

damn ,
I dnt even knw what that was about . but that sht real . Lol.

& another one -

"got my head twisted
missing wht we had .
Every conversation
a memory of our past.
looking back at it
its something that
I couldn't live without
Now I go thru life without a doubt
I made the dumbest decision of my life .
Being with you was a privliage that I took
For granted. I didn't realize that wen I had you - now all I got is pictures to remind me ."
- I know who that's about. someone that I shouldn't even be thinkin about - but damn I miss him . & its not the kidd .

& the last one -

"where was I three years ago ? - that's the question that has been lingering in my mind since I left his house .

three years ago - I was playing games with lil niqqas that dnt mean sht to me now... I'm sitting here with shoulda, woulda, couldas - pondering in my mind .

peep this ;; we gon call him T. man , T & I have knwn each other 9 yrs . he's the one person that I still keep in contact with from elementary school.

even tho we was young - he was the first guy that I really liked to be around . from playin on the playground to hanging with each other outside of school . in like 5th grade - I met the family. his mom, father, & sister. they were all so sweet & so friendly .

by 6th grade we were in a relationship - even tho we went to different schools ; we keep in contact & still chilled . I honestly thought I was in love with him [ sht , I didn't even knw wht love was ]. anyways - once he left schools in durham - It was kinda hard to contact him. somehow we broke up & stopped talkin until like 8th grade & the summer b4 9th grade - sht was good ya knw . but neither of us wnted to reflect on the past een tho we knew the feelings were still there .

[fast foward]-- he txt'd me in october of 2oo8 & my heart dropped . I knew the # but wasn't quite sure - so I asked & I was right : it was him . we've been talking everyday since . he just got out of a [[LONG TERM]] relationship (2-3 years) !! the girl he was with - started doing some pretty FCK'd up things . so of course talking & chilling with him brought up all of our old feelings & stuff - but I tried to let'em all go because I dnt wnt to end up with a broken heart - but for some reason ; neither of us can let the feelings go . which is a problem -- I told him that if he wnted to be with me :: then she has to be completly outta the picture & being that they just broke up - its gonna take him a while . I mean , wht am I suppose to do ? wait ? "
- boyyyyy, this sht is crazy . after I wrote this - about 1 month later , we stopped talkin , for some reason . I can't even remember the sht right now . but it was something dumb & now --- we hardly even talk .

see, why waste time on people if they just end up doin somethin to fck sht up in the end . ugh - everything is just [pointless] .

but I knw this sht long as hell , but oh well. if yu love me , yu'll read it all (:

peacee .

-LCC*

ATL*

"welcome to atlanta where them playas playa
& we ride on them things like everyday
big beats; hit street; see gangsta roamin'
&& parties dnt stop til' 8 in the mornin'."

yesterday ; i left sucky ass nc & took a trip with my fav. btch to ATL.

we're here for the battle of the bands - all the HBCU school are here. i've never been to the for anything - just drove through when i was going to alabama. but last night; we drove through downtown & i must say - it was NICCCCCCCEEEEE.

now i'm just in the room - waiting to leave. some stupid person told me they hoped it "rained on my parade" & sure enough its raining. but oh well ; that shit ain't gon effect my trip. lol.

BUT

all the way here i was texting the NO GOOD guy & ugh - it seems like he is still trying to maintain a friendship - which i'm fine with. i think that the feelings are still there - but i know he's no good for me and i can do MUCH better which is part of the reason why i'm doing better & got back with my EX. my puzzle pieces says that he's better for me and we didn't have that many problems - other then arguing & a few STUPID lies & not seeing either other ; but i start back driving NEXT WEEK. so all the kinks should be worked out then. hopefully.

i've realized that its hard to put your place where it really belongs. like i know where my heart wants to be ; but i know where my mind is telling me is right. its really hard to listen to my mind & not follow my heart; because i know that my heart is telling me to wait around for him* - but frankly - he has TOO MUCH shit with him. so i'm where i belong . i just have to start believing it & living it- & stop talking to him as much.

ANYWAYS; i'm ready to have FUN & not think about any of my worries left in NC.

& find a lil ATL boo. (:

signed ; lc.carter.

[soulmate]

[good sht]

hoes;whores;btchs;skanks;slut-buckets.
sht; i've heard em all.
i've had sht talked about me
[ i mean whu hasn't]
but today; i was listening
to nicki minaj & gucci - [love em both]
& i was listening to slumber party -changed my status
to ;

L.c CarteR.; welcome to my private party - wen yu feeling [ f r e a k y ] we can have a slumber partyy. pussy is tighter then a choker-got yu smiling like the joker.

i kidd yu not- less then 5 min. later;
-EIGHT new msg.
-SIX new txts.
-THREE chats.

[funny sht]-FOUR of the fcbk msgs. were from niqqas CLEARLY in a relationship.
THREE of the txt; niqqas had a girlfrann.
& the chats; all niqqas - i've NEVER seen nor tlk'd to in my lifee.

---

so i was ready to see wht WEAK ass game i was about to see.

[no real names will be used ; just for the sake of these females that think there man is soo in love]

John -fcbk niqqa #1 -

John-so baby, when are you coming to see me?

LC-uh, i didn't know i was suppose to come see you.

John-yes, so you can have me looking like the joker.

LC-no response.

Jack txt niqqa #2-

Jack-nice status

LC-thanks.

Jack-whats up with it?

LC-excatly what it says.

Jack-iight well i'm bout to come over.

LC-don't think your girl would like that.

Jack-i don't think your boyfriend would either.

LC-lol; i'm single now.

Jack-if you lettin me come over, ill be single to.

LC-whatta lie

Jack-if you serious i'm serious.

LC-no response.

-dnt feel like writin' thee rest.

---

remind yu- these dudes have girlfriends. i wasn't being a hoe & trying to "take their man" . I simply changed my fcbk status. yes, i admit, it was kinda raunchy; but sht- do i look like i care?

its funny how girls say --oh, she a hoe. she's tryna take my man.

about 99.1% of the niqqas that i know; cheat on their "wifee".

& yes; sometimes it is a hoe, that wants your man.

but in my case-not being cocky : niqqas just wnt to fck me. i don't "come-on" to them or anything.

maybe its my boobs (: but either way; due to recent situations; i just wnted to vent about niqqas in relationships. & how girls are so blind sided to cheating.

signed

-lc*

broken-hearted grl.

once again.once again.once again.


seven weeks.
countless hours on the phone.
txt msgn till my fingers hurt.
trying to be with a different type of dude.
thinking everything would just be perfect.
not following my gut feeling about everything- before it got too serious.
telling yu I loved yu & acutally having feeling behind it.
opening up my heart once again ; just for it to be ripped apart once again.once again.once again.
being nothin' but honest with even when I knew that it would hurt.
but still; keeping my word to tell yu the truth.
letting yu get in my mind & fill my head with thoughts of yu acutally being different : but endin up to be just the same.
seven weeks.

thas all it took to change meeh back into the mindframe; niqqas aint shit.

usually, I'll tell wht happened ; but there is no need this time, because this time...the story ended.

-signed
*single* lc):

late nite fiqhts

so its fckn 6:29 AM - && I cannot go to sleep.

reason ?? - my bf & I just got into a hugh arguement over a video game .

explain - sure why not ..

foreshadowing ; I have a tendency to ALWAYS go to bed really early lately . so wen me & the bf are tlkn & he'll have to like do something quicky like within 5 min. he'll call me back & I'll be knocked out. it really drives him crazy ; but hey I have no control over it.
-fast foward ; so tonight I told my bf, "bae we are gonna stay up late" & he said no je wasn't... but I knew he would. so around 3:00 somethin he told me he was going to call me back in about 15 min. so he could go play a game of tennis on the wii with the family, before he got in bed. so I said okay, he asked me to stay up & I said okay, but if I dnt answer make sure yu call again bc most likely I'll be on the internet on my fone. soooo, idntknw when I txt'd him but I told him to call me & I got no response & it was clearly longer then 15 min. & then, o changed my fcbk status to something sexual & this niqqa commented & said "aye.lol" & I replied under the status "call meeh". still [NO P H O N E call]; so then my status said pissed the fck off & I finally got a fone call. so of course ; the btch in me came out & took over. he said he called me 15 later, but my fone went to voicemail; so he says he thought I was sleep ; so he said he planned on tryin in another 15 : but he waited more like gotdamn 45. so I was pissed & he said "I'm sorry" but like I was still mad bc I usually go to sleep within about 5 mins. But i fckn stayed up & all I get is a "I'm sorry".

then later into the whole fckn situation ; he says ; if yur going to act like this & make this sht such a big deal: maybe we shouldn't be together. -- really ? I'm like did this niqqa really just say tht shit ? so of course I took the sht to the heart & left his ass on fcbk. sooo yeah, later we txt'd & he said tht he was sorry & such , but still . he just doesn't understand the way tht I feel wen we get into this fckn arguements. ughhh I just dnt get how everythinfg can be so perfect ; then just get so fck'd up.

well peace.


-lc