letter to HER .

the pain I endure cannot be explained nor measured by words. you have to live the life i lead to even begin to understand. do the things I've had to do to fully understand the level of tolerance I once had. the love i once felt , feels as if its disappeared & never existed from the beginning. if you claim to love someone so much, why do you actions come out as a fight against me? if the love you have for me is as strong as you say it is, why is it a constant struggle for you to do the right thing? all the apolgizes seem like a waste of my time. saying one thing, then doing another, is a waste of my time. just to turn around and be disappointed again, i don't think i can do it. i really want to have faith and believe that things will be different this time, but sadly , my heart won't allow it. maybe in the future if things come out different, i can start to have faith, but until then, i'm left in this broken condition that my heart just can't seem to mend.

-LC

venting.

I'm feeling broken.
everything is falling apart.
life has taken over so fast,
and there is NOTHING i can do.
outta my control, i can't play this role.
I'm 8teen - not thirty8 ...
i cant play both...be both...try to handle it.
its not me that should worry,
its not me that should continue to call,
just to hear the voicemail.
i shouldn't sacrifice the loves in my life,
because you sacrificed our life for the things you love.
I'm too young to worry, to young to be afraid...
i can't take it anymore...

everything is gone... & i just don't care.
I'm done worrying about what we're going to do.
I'm done making up lies & excuse for you behavior.
I'm done being the responsible one,
I'm done being the one that keeps it from everyone else.
I'm done with it all.

I'm going to live my life & do what i need to do in order to get the things that i want.

-UGH just needed to vent.

-LCC*

lifesucks!

boy oh boy oh boy ; people always say - dnt say yu hate yur life / or say its hard to deal with : bc yu never know wht the nxt persons life is like ;; sht true as hell bruhh .

people see me & think - aye ; she got it easy or sht cnt be tht hard for her. [honesty]- idntknw wht they say ; but they prolly think tht sht it better then how it really is. my smile & personality is something that I can make people think I'm the happiest girl in the world - & wht kills me - is the fact tht I'm really not.

if yu only knew the sht that went dwn . yu'd think of me as a fuckin superhero with the way I put up with this bullshit. I make it seem like I dnt have a care in the world , wen really I'm wondering when somethin else will happen .

I really wnt to keep it 100 ; but there is just some sht ; tht should be kept private & personal about me & my life : so ima keep it like that. but inside ; its killin me because all the emotions & feelings are bottled up - tightly sealed - never being opened . & thts how they are going to stay.

- LCC*

youlostone*

these last few days have been hell . like - I haven't even wrote a blog because I can even express how I fuckin feel in wrds. like - ugh !
basically my "best friend" - lmao at tht title; anyways - she wants to be "independent". funny thing is ; she says independent like I'm holding her back from sht. which is most def. not even true.

before I state the situation - or how I feel , let's be clear - this is MY BLOG - remind YOURSELF it says "& LC said..." - my thoughts' , opinions, & venting area. so if you get offended - oh muthafucking well !

so honestly in my opinion ; the [whole] situation is so muthafuckn BULLSHIT. honestly ! & wen I tell other people - not random people - but people that know both me & ol girl say its some BULLSHIT. like the whole shit started because of a dinner & me being her "best friend" didn't get invited ; remind you - she get invited everywhere with me & attends when she is invited - no matter the event. & then wen I txt yu , yu dnt respond which basically makes you look guilty as sht , like yu knw your in the wrong . the call the evening of the nxt day & try to carry convo like nthn was wrong . then ask wht I'm doing for the superbowl - & I say something with your friend that you ignore when she tries to chill or do anything with you & somehow you end up comin along. then she says - she talked to me - well said hey when I got in the car - which I NEVER even heard...& not talk to me the rest of the night ; then get pissed cus I write a blog about the sht & I call yu a btch. bein a "bestfriend" yu shoulda known me & that I was gon write about it. ANYWAYS - then say I "screw faced" you at school & call me a btch in the middle of the hall - like you lost your damn mind. THEN - I come to your house to talk to you & find out wht the fckin issue is & you really act like you lost it. THEN got the nerve to call me & tell me that you think we need to talk because its turning into something that it wasn't suppose to turn into ... THE FCK ? I just came to yo gotdamn house to tlk about the sht. THEN today - yu get in my front seat & tell meeh all these excuses. well excuse me - to me everything was a EXCUSE. "going off to college & having a job & my boyfriend & this music thing & tryna get A's in my classes, I'm just tryna to be independent" - THE FCK? I knw wht yu have to do - I was your "friend", I clearly knw all that sht -- & I dnt have nothin to do with that. got damn - I dnt need your rides - I dnt need anything from you - so dnt make it seem like I bother you or anything - because that's def. not the case. sht just real stupid. but aye - I'm done tlkn bout sht; yu dnt wnt to be my friend - but yu dnt wnt beef ?? sorry - but I'm just going to dislike your ass, because still to me - everything is an EXCUSE & FAKE.

once again - this is LC's blog. MY OPINIONS!! so whatever.

you lost one ; not me.

-LCC*

broken*

kinda personal - but oh well. (:

i think i'm broken.
--whatcha mean broken?
broken in a sense that - if i love you - or maybe in love with you ... kissing me is all your gonna get.
--WHAT ? that makes no sense.
alritee alritee ; i'll explain - i'll explain. (:

so ; starting my sexual ... beginnings - my first was some guy that to this day still doesn't mean shit to me. niqqa was sexy as fuck. like the sexiest niqqa i've fcked with- EVER, but us & a relationship; i knew it would never work.

second niqqa - i knew when i first started talkin to him - damn - i could see myself with him . but once we got to talkin & getting to know each other - i seen shit - he's not even my type. we agreed on only one thing which is sex. although he didn't know too much & neither did i, we learned from each other.

the two other guys - one of em used game. i knew it was game ; but i fell for it. i knew that shit wasn't going to work between us. & i figured that if i played along like a dumb btch-- it'd make him feel better & it did. he thought he had me with all the ,"baby, i miss you" or the " your the only one i want & were going to be together" BULLSHIT. but i'm smart - & i was physically attracted to him ... so hey - shit got popping. in the process of messing with him - i lost someone. [[no details]]
then the other guy-- waste of time.

but none of these guys - i was in love with / or had any kinda relationship feelings for.
& the people that i'm in relationships with or "love" - i never give them that chance. i don't know why but thats just how it goes.

broken?

is that the right way to describe whatever this is? or is it i haven't found the right one to "love" to give the chance too?
i've shared this with one niqqa i thought i "loved"- & he was really shocked & was glad that i told him that because he got insight to the way i see things & why i don't do shit with him. he seemed to have no problems. he was accepting of it.

at the end of the day - it seems like niqqas can do what they want or who ever they want ... & not get judged by who- or - how many btches they fck. when girls have the "niqqa mentality" - & say they fck mad niqqas - they are a hoe , whore, slut, & other names. i dnt get why there is such a issue. when guys do something is ok - but if a female did the same thing its wrong on her part. my friend has been having this issue in here life & that sht bothers us. & different guys give us there pros & cons about the whole situation. basically niqqas judge btches - but btches aren't suppose to judge a niqqa.

all of it is stupid to me - but i choose NOT to do shit with people. unless we've had past experiences- i'm not fckin with cha.

& if your reading this & your surprised -- guess what? its all the REAL facts. so whatever the FCK you've heard - gon ahead & smack the lying BTCH tht told cha. (:

signed ;

-LCC*

UGH!

im going thru something right now; but i can't put it into words; like - UGHHHH ! like i don't UGHHHHh! thats all i can say. i don't see why people just can't tell you shit to your face or wen you txt or over the fone; like i don't see why shit happens like that. like all these FAKE ass muthafuckas surround me & got damn i don't like it. just tell me . TELL ME.

stop writing about me on got damn facebook or your blog. & if you do ; use my name or something.

& dnt try to act one way when your with me -- then totally different when we aren't together. i just don't get it. i'm a very protective person & if something is mine... or was mine... i admit - i'll flip when another btch that i know gets a ya know " taste " of it.

its just me - i can't change it. so whateverrrrrrrr....

UGHHH. !

ATL*

"welcome to atlanta where them playas playa
& we ride on them things like everyday
big beats; hit street; see gangsta roamin'
&& parties dnt stop til' 8 in the mornin'."

yesterday ; i left sucky ass nc & took a trip with my fav. btch to ATL.

we're here for the battle of the bands - all the HBCU school are here. i've never been to the for anything - just drove through when i was going to alabama. but last night; we drove through downtown & i must say - it was NICCCCCCCEEEEE.

now i'm just in the room - waiting to leave. some stupid person told me they hoped it "rained on my parade" & sure enough its raining. but oh well ; that shit ain't gon effect my trip. lol.

BUT

all the way here i was texting the NO GOOD guy & ugh - it seems like he is still trying to maintain a friendship - which i'm fine with. i think that the feelings are still there - but i know he's no good for me and i can do MUCH better which is part of the reason why i'm doing better & got back with my EX. my puzzle pieces says that he's better for me and we didn't have that many problems - other then arguing & a few STUPID lies & not seeing either other ; but i start back driving NEXT WEEK. so all the kinks should be worked out then. hopefully.

i've realized that its hard to put your place where it really belongs. like i know where my heart wants to be ; but i know where my mind is telling me is right. its really hard to listen to my mind & not follow my heart; because i know that my heart is telling me to wait around for him* - but frankly - he has TOO MUCH shit with him. so i'm where i belong . i just have to start believing it & living it- & stop talking to him as much.

ANYWAYS; i'm ready to have FUN & not think about any of my worries left in NC.

& find a lil ATL boo. (:

signed ; lc.carter.

random thought

sometime I feel like I'm the only person that understands the way I feel, I feel I'll never find someone whu feels the same way I feel. Its like I have everything I want & everything I need, but something is missing. I'm not sure wut it is. But I know within my life, a little piece is missing.