ugh . i'm so confused.
like what the fuckkk?
i gotta good guy right in front of me , but i feel that we aren't compatible .
[which isn't good]
then i THOUGHT i had someone else in my life, but they ended up to be a lie.
[which isn't good for me either]
& of course i have other niggas in my life, but i just don't want any of them.
i know the solution to my problem is to just be single. but i don't want to just be single. like i want something. but i don't just want SOMETHING. i want something real. lol.
& then i think about on the person that i had a REAL relationship with & how stupid i acted throughout the whole relationship, which was like a dumb bitch. but ya'know i guess it's a live in you learn kinda thing.
on the flip side, i don't even think if i was presented with the opportunity for a relationship i would take advantage of it. its like the term "in a relationship, boyfriend, and girlfriend" have all lost meaning. ALL of the niggas that i know , & i know ALOT of niggas, they've all cheated in some sort of way . people have different meaning's of cheating. but when i say "in some sort of way" - they have cheated physically. being an exchange of kisses , from fucking -- they have cheated. not saying i'm perfect because although i was in a relationship for about nine month's, i've cheated. it's not a good thing & i know i should do unto others, as i'd like done to me, but i did it . so i can't sit here & talk like its the worst thing ever, because i've done it. but i don't want that anymore. this is how i'm looking at it, if i cheat then i'm not happy in my relationship. one reason i'm no longer in it. not being satisfied play's a major part. & honestly , my ex & I had NOTHING in common. i've became a person that likes to have fun, go out, etc. & that's not really him. which becomes a problem on the weekend & stuff. but aye, its a live & you learn experience. & until this weekend, i realized how much cheating & lying effect a relationship. & i realized that this weekend. & i wasn't even in a relationship with the person, it was more of a understanding that i guess he didn't understand. but oh well.
hopefully since my ex & i are taking 6mnths-1yr on break. i guess i'll find my way . prolly my way to realizing that he'd nvr do anything to hurt me & i should be with him. but ya know that if you let something go & it comes back it mean's so much more.
guess we'll see what happens.
--& i'm out .
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
ugh . i'm so confused.